Secrets of education: worst, middle, junior
I'm not alone
Children's memory is truly awakened from the age of three or four, so if you have weather children (or three babies with a small age difference), the oldest child is unlikely to remember the birth of the youngest, and all brothers and sisters for each other “were is always". When the difference in the age of the children, on the contrary, is great - 10 or even 15 years, the “dramaturgy" of the relationship between the older and younger will be completely different: the birth of a baby is perceived by an older child as almost an adult. A new member of the family does not become a competitor for him, a sister or brother will be more likely an object for tenderness, pride and guardianship, for studying and rehearsing awakening parental reflexes.
This can become a serious problem only if the adolescent has a difficult transitional age and needs maximum attention and support from his parents, and those because of the baby cannot always give him enough time to help overcome the teenage crisis. However, the emergence of a new family member can also be an extremely beneficial factor - to switch a teenager from his problems to taking care of a tiny brother or sister and give an intense impetus to real growing up. To inform the child that replenishment is expected in the family, see here. The psychologist Alexander Kuznetsov is sure that the situation where the difference in the age of children is 4-6 years can be considered optimal. “In three years, competition between children will be too painful, and with a difference of more than six years, they will have practically no common interests.”
In the family - replenishment
Aleksandr Kuznetsov, psychologist
How to make the birth of a newborn become a long-awaited and joyful event for an older child?
- During pregnancy, teach your child to “talk” with his mother’s tummy, “talk” with his brother or sister.
- Before going to the maternity hospital, buy a whole bag of small toys and every day, while mom is not at home, pass a gift from her to the child. Let the baby know for sure: mom remembers him every day, mom loves him.
- When discharging from the hospital, the mother’s hands must be free so that she can hug the eldest child.
- After the appearance of a newborn in the house, a sign should sit on the door with the words: "Before asking about the baby, ask how the eldest child is doing."
- Involve the elder to help with the baby, but do not overload him so that it gives him joy. Praise and thank him as an adult - he should feel the advantage of being an adult so that there is no temptation to “play with the baby”, to regress in behavior.
- At one and a half to two months, when the newborn begins to recognize loved ones, fix his eyes, be sure to tell the elder: “He recognized you, he smiled at you! Look how glad he is to see you! ”
Secrets of parenting an older child
First-born usually get educational experiments, and parental complexes.
They, as a rule, are more intelligent: after all, until a brother or sister has appeared, the first-born receives maximum care from all family members. He is taken to all kinds of circles, books are read to him, they talk to him a lot, play, and develop in every possible way. Grandparents are still young and healthy, so they are also enthusiastically engaged in their only (so far) grandson.
After the birth of the second child, the degree of the educational boom falls somewhat. Accustomed to the absolute attention and participation of adults, the child suddenly becomes left to his own devices, freeing himself from excessive care. The child’s personal space immediately significantly expands; adults are no longer so interested in him. He is becoming more independent.
With many of his problems, he no longer goes to his parents, since they are busy with another child - as a result, even in the most ideal case and with minimal jealousy, the older child is usually more anxious and less emotionally stable.
At the same time, he suddenly has serious responsibilities and responsibilities for his brother or sister - for example, to look so that the baby does not fall off the couch, or to shake the stroller, although only yesterday he owed nothing to anyone.
In a family where there are two children, the eldest and the youngest can remain rivals for life. Responsibility for the youngest in the first-born is often adjacent to jealousy, resentment, or even secret or overt revenge for the overthrow of the "main member of the family" from the podium. Therefore, elders often become “aggressors” in relation to the younger ones, command and push them around, instilling an inferiority complex.
Alexander Kuznetsov: “Of course, it’s difficult to completely avoid children's rivalry, quarrels and fights. But try to follow the information background: exclude all programs, programs, games where aggression is present. Keep track of how you communicate within the family. Shouting at children and beating them is an absolute taboo: it is necessary to teach children to negotiate, and this is possible only by example, nothing else. ”
After the appearance of the third child, the older children grow up even more and already consciously begin to take care of the baby. Such almost parental responsibility for younger brothers and sisters, active participation in practical household chores most often has a beneficial effect on the character of the first child, and subsequently on his behavior in his own family. However, it can also become a significant obstacle to creating his own family: it is difficult for the elder to leave the kids - after all, taking care of them becomes an integral part of his existence. Seniors usually perceive their success as an adequate payment for their efforts, for planned work, are not afraid of routine. Moreover, they are more diversified in comparison with “middle” and “junior” peers - after all, maximum parental ambitions were invested in them. Children who have been in the status of an only child for a long time have the most “adult” attitudes because they have been surrounded exclusively by adults for quite some time.
The appearance of a younger brother or sister. Parents should be as tolerant and attentive as possible during this period to the oldest child.
The main task is to avoid the emergence of a feeling of jealousy and negativity towards the baby. Mom and Dad will have to pay him even more attention at first than before - so that he understands that we still love everyone, that no one threatens his role in the family.
If parents are able to withstand this very difficult first period (the first month and a half are especially difficult), then the older one will be happy to play with the baby, love it and become a real helper for mom and dad.
The secret of education
Each child, and the eldest in particular, sometimes needs to be alone with dad or mom, to receive personal attention.
The psychologist Alexander Kuznetsov recommends: “From time to time for each child, arrange a“ father’s ”or“ mother’s ”day — a time when one of the parents completely“ belongs ”to one child and is not distracted by anything. On this day, you can open up and embrace, go to the park or to the movies, or play at home all day - everything that a child loves is allowed to him today. ”
How to educate middle and junior
It is difficult to determine his position in the family unambiguously - at first he was a junior, then he lost this status, but he did not transfer to the place of the oldest. It is because of this multiplicity of roles that middle children often have an easygoing character, are best adapted to new circumstances, and cope with changes.
They may get a little less parental attention, but more freedom: the care of the youngest rests with the oldest child, leaving the average most pleasant thing - to play with the baby and protect him.
The appearance in the family of a “new” brother or sister does not allow the “younger” complex to develop completely - after all, an even younger child appeared, very small and helpless. This can significantly help strengthen the self-esteem of the average, if he compared himself to an older man not in his favor, he felt envy. Middle children are a little less practical and intelligent; parents have fewer hopes for them. In addition, such children rarely have to worry painfully for parental love in order to prove something as elders: they understand that parents love all children equally.
As a rule, second children have a good relationship with both older and younger children, they are comfortable in any company. Because of their “middle” position, they least of all feel themselves in the struggle for their role in the family, therefore, as a rule, they are the least conflicting and ambitious - of course, provided that they are not deprived of parental attention.
Because of their unwillingness to participate in rivalry, they can even be pushed to the background by other children or be ridiculed - but, unlike older or younger children, this situation is less traumatic for them, more often than not they simply don’t notice it.
Middle children easily perceive a new environment for themselves, very accommodating and non-conflict. Such children most often choose a business to their liking, and not because of a sense of duty, practical considerations, or parental recommendations. Due to the diverse socialization, middle children are the easiest to communicate with, good negotiators, and tend to organize their own business.
Middle-aged children often have problems finding their place in the family: is it already large or still small, refers to older or younger? He doubts with whom to take an example, on whose behavior to orient.
The secret of education
Alexander Kuznetsov advises finding the strengths of the average child: “If the child is often inferior to the rest in games, it is necessary to find him an occupation in which he will be the best. This will become a magic wand for him, help to feel stronger, more confident. In order for none of the children to feel "worse than others", in no case should you arrange a competition by comparing children among themselves. You can compare a child only with himself - but yesterday: this gives optimism to everyone. ”
These children, as a rule, grow up in the zone of maximum psychological comfort and love. Indeed, the role of the “little one” is assigned to them for a long time (sometimes forever), everyone takes care of them, everyone protects them, they always get the best - therefore, as a rule, they are full of optimism and radiate self-confidence. Due to the “dominant” position in the family, such children, despite their age, often have pronounced leadership qualities. They skillfully and with pleasure use the help and support of parents and older brothers and sisters, sometimes even manipulating them.
Most of all, younger children are drawn specifically to the eldest brothers and sisters, at the same time they feel themselves in a state of rivalry with the middle ones. With peers (for example, in kindergarten), younger children can be aggressive, try - and often very successfully - to command their peers. In general, in everyday life such children are more selfish and uninitiated, disposed to receive care than to manifest it - which can become a serious problem in family life - especially if he chooses the same "younger" brother or sister as his partner.
Perfectionism is characteristic of the youngest in the family, and this is one of the areas of psychological risk for such a child: they are difficult to survive the defeat or the situation of “not the best”. In addition, younger children love to impress, they can delight loved ones with some exceptional surprise or gift, but they do not know how to systematically take care of others - they are used to taking this care.
The secret of education
The ability to manipulate for a long time delay in younger children the development of responsibility for their actions in the family. Parents need to be as careful as possible so that their "youngest" learn to be responsible for their actions, to fulfill certain responsibilities at home. Alexander Kuznetsov is sure that conflicts can be dealt with: “If a conflict arose, let the whole family take part in its discussion, let the children, together with their parents, look for a way out of it. Usually in these conversations, children offer many great solutions. ”