Husband + wife =?
The closer, the better?
Love is almost always accompanied by a desire to put the whole world at the feet of his chosen one. At the very beginning of a happily developing romance, our soul seems to us to be bottomless, and fusion - absolute. And this is completely normal! But over time, the style of relations changes: dates remain in the past, they are replaced by a joint life. You spend almost all of your time together: together in a movie, in a restaurant, on vacation and on a visit.
And gradually you begin to realize that things that used to bring you great joy have left your life. For six months you didn’t chat heart to heart with your close friend, you missed the exhibition of your beloved artist, because your spouse does not share your hobby, and you didn’t go to a meeting of classmates either - your husband will not be interested there. The man also often abandons his former joys - going to the bath with friends, football on Thursdays and fishing on weekends. But the sooner you realize that even the greatest love does not require abandoning your "I", the more harmonious and easy your relationship with your spouse and then with your children will be.
Maria Shumikhina, family psychologist
In early childhood, each of us has a feeling of total unity with our mother, and this is completely natural. As we grow older, we gradually break away from our parents and, in the end, begin to feel like a separate person. But, if complete separation for some reason did not happen, a person can feel happy only if he is an integral part of something large and important, for example, a family. This condition is often called the desire to merge: it is assumed that "Second half" in principle, there can be neither a "private territory" nor respect for someone else's personal space. Such people require unlimited frankness, react very painfully to even minor disagreements, put all their vitality into a partner and as a result lose their sense of self-worth. There are a number of experiences that are impossible (and not necessary!) To share with anyone. If one of the partners does not understand and does not accept, then the second will have to learn how to protect their borders. Otherwise, you risk becoming a victim of emotional tyranny.
Partner Merge Traps
It's me and it's you
When planning a life together, psychologists advise thinking not only about how to distribute household chores, but also about their own emotional needs. What exactly are you ready to share with your partner, and what do you prefer to leave outside the brackets of your relationship? Turning a spouse into a “substitute” for friends is a dangerous way. Think, maybe you both need to be alone sometimes? Is there something you want to keep for yourself? Of course, protecting your bastions, it is important to accept the conditions of the partner - his “personal space” needs to be respected no less.
Why do you think people store their underwear separately from each other? Why are men's and women's clothing sold in different departments? Why are the boxes in which important or simply dear to the heart of the paper lie, many prefer to lock with a key? Separating one from the other, we prevent the unpredictable chaos that our life would otherwise turn into. This, in theory, should happen in relations: husband and wife are still not one whole, but separate from each other personalities with their own, not always coinciding interests, desires and opportunities.
All your needs must be carefully pronounced, and if something causes one of the spouses to protest, do not give up the position, but calmly but surely seek a compromise. Defending your personal comfort zone is a very important process, although sometimes laborious.
Considering yourself with your spouse as a whole, you begin to overreact to any changes in his mood or behavior, and become completely dependent on his approval.
Partners who believe that all their feelings and thoughts should be the same one day simply stop understanding each other.
Fear of loss
Any quarrel in such a family becomes a real disaster: “Ah, he said that he did not want to continue this conversation? So he wants to get a divorce. " By the way, if you draw energy exclusively from each other, then sooner or later the sources will be depleted!
In families where partners are completely subordinate to each other's interests, serious problems can arise. Friendship between spouses is certainly important, but discussing with a husband just like with a girlfriend new methods of hair removal, diet and cellulite on the hips is strongly discouraged - this erodes gender boundaries.
According to psychologists, spouses who seek to become one whole, risk translating their relationship into the plane of spiritual communication. Sex as a confirmation of intimacy in such a family is simply not needed, and partners cease to be for each other "object of desire."
The benefits of a healthy distance
The benefits of a healthy distance
- Personal responsibility. In a critical situation for one of the partners, you can make your own decisions without any problems.
- The right to joy. Tolerance and respect for the needs of the partner give rise to the same response. As a result, each spouse has a so-called right to negative: people who are not fixated on each other will not perceive the partner’s bad mood as a personal insult.
- A wealth of sensations. Each of you lives a full life. You both recognize the right of the partner not to share his hobbies, and the emotional palette of the family becomes truly vibrant and intense.
- Self-confidence. Your self-esteem does not depend on the mood of the partner: you are confident in your own abilities, are not afraid of difficulties and with pleasure (and not by necessity) help your spouse in solving his problems, are not afraid not to justify each other's expectations.
- Constructive beginning. Quarrels do not lead you into a dead end. On the contrary, you are able to calmly listen to claims, make your own arguments reasonably, solve the problem - and move on.
And if the husband is against?
It so happens that the need for "personal space" runs into the categorical unwillingness of the spouse to recognize the right to privacy for the partner. What is the reason and what to do about it?
- Excessive jealousy. If one of the spouses already had a negative experience associated with the pain from the betrayal of a loved one, he is afraid of repetition and therefore tries to control every step of the partner.Decision: It will take patience and eloquence. For example, say this: “I respect your past and understand your feelings. But I am a different person, I am not going to deceive you, I trust you. It is important for me that you also trust me and recognize my needs. ”
- Stereotypes. In your husband’s family, it was customary to spend all weekends and holidays together. He perceives your desire for relative independence as a neglect of family values and himself.Decision: In this case, a system of long-term arrangements works best. Make a weekend plan together for a couple of months in advance - so it will be easier for you to defend one or two Saturdays a month for personal affairs. And do not forget to warn your spouse in a couple of days: “Do you remember that on Saturday I will meet with Masha?”
- Self-doubt. The husband is sure that in his company you are just bored, so you strive to fill the emerging emptiness while having fun outside the home.Decision: Doubts about one's attractiveness and value are often the result of untreated childhood injuries, and it is better to cope with such problems with the help of a specialist psychologist.
American psychology professor David Frost investigated the relationship of 700 couples and came to the conclusion that excessive emotional closeness between a man and a woman not only does not strengthen, but, oddly enough, even weakens the family. Those couples in which a certain psychological autonomy was observed between husband and wife turned out to be stronger and more harmonious.